Thursday, October 16, 2014

If I Could Kill My Heart

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  (2 Cor 4:16)  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  (John 14:27) 

Sometimes I wish I could uproot my heart.

Toss it into the fire pit in our backyard beneath our large oak.

Douse the throbbing muscle with gasoline, light the match, watch the explosion of colors as it ignites.

Feel the heat against my skin and watch as my heart turns to dust.

To kill the heart, would kill desire, love, grief, longing, joy, passion, purpose...the wellspring of life (Prov 4:23).

Life is hard and some days I want to numb out and let the rhythmic beating turn to ash.

To live unengaged is uncomplicated, painless.  Right?

Tears sloshed into my lap yesterday as I drove away from a DHR meeting.

A surge of memories washed over me like the undertow pulling me out to the ocean depths.

One wave flooded me, uncovering the tiny face of a 7-month old baby girl with wispy black hair.

The awkwardness of a language barrier as I approached her mama in the same downtown parking lot.

My hands the ones to take her baby from her arms.

Observing the mama walk away on foot as I strapped her daughter into the infant seat in my car.

The mama strolled down the sidewalk alone.

It was last summer.  Hot.  I wondered where she was going.

A sluggish lift of her arm, extended fingers in my direction, as I drove past her in my SUV.

I wept the 45-minute drive home in rush-hour traffic.

Her infant daughter in her car seat behind me.

I can't disconnect my heart.

It just bubbles up.

At the dark-brown table in yesterday's meeting, among a maze of hallways, elevators, and glassed-in rooms, I sputtered strong words.

I couldn't hold in my heart.

Words dropped heavy on the table.

There was an insane desire to wildly bang my head on the table, the wall, the floor.

Anything solid.

It's hard to show grace when I'm overflowing with anger at injustice.

Or maybe that is grace, after all.  Fighting on behalf of the fatherless.

His grace spilling out of my mouth.

A grace for these brothers to be fought for.

A grace for a strong voice to rise up on their behalf.

May those words not be lost among the mazes of beige walls and shuffling paperwork, cubicles, ringing phones, and brokenness.

But, if the words are lost and nothing is changed, I have a hope outside of messy circumstances.  My hope can't be in myself and my efforts.  It surely can't be placed in the desperately broken lives of two little boys.  I'm buoyed by a faith of remembering how He's fought in the past.  He often shows up when I least expect it, least believe it, and least deserve it.

He fights for the least of these and holds them near His heart.

That is my hope-- nail scarred hands and blood spilt.

To slay my heart would be a serious insult to His heart-- He cares for me and desires wholehearted living.

What His heart values, mine should as well.  Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me (Matt 25:40).

And I pray for two brothers in the inner city to deeply sense His presence and love for them.

They are worth the fight.  But, even more, Jesus is worth it.




Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  (Pro 3:5)

{photo credit:} (words added by me)


Lanette Haskins said...

So beautiful Melanie <3

Melanie Singleton said...

Thank you Lanette 💜

Shannon said...

Oh, Melanie, you have me in tears (again!). So raw and beautiful and true... every bit of it. This too is grace, because they are worth it-- worth every bit of the emotion. Worth the fight. I am pleading with the Father to raise up their mama and daddy tonight. And sending much love your way as you choose to live it all.

Melanie Singleton said...

Thank you Shannon! I struggle so much to believe and then I remember His heart for these children and the miracles I've seen in this ministry. I loved your last post by the way-- such truth. All this too shall pass away.

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog, you do not share every detail of a messy situation, but instead share your heart. I appreciate this so much. I know too many of those messy complicated stories and learning more of them just breaks my heart. Reading about your love and struggles, your frustration and your faith is so refreshing to me. Thank you for sharing your heart.

Melanie Singleton said...

thank you so much! you are an encouragement!

Jen Ferguson said...

At the beginning of this semester's bible study, I showed a TED talk by Brene Brown. Her main point was that if we numb out the pain, grief, and sorrow, we also numb out the joy, love, and excitement. It can be so hard to stay plugged in, but I's worth it. So glad to have you at SDG.

Melanie Singleton said...

Thanks for sharing Jen! I adore Brene Brown. I wish I didn't feel so deeply, but it sure makes the joy, love, and excitement such a treasure! Thank you for your comment.💜