Many days I battle fiercely with insanity.
I'm not referring to the popular Insanity workout craze.
Although I wish I had the endurance for the frog hops, burpees, and other jump moves, my middle-aged joints buckle under the jarring exercises.
It’s a similar sensation to my knees being beaten with a sledge hammer.
Interestingly, I think of the powerful jarring my brain has taken in years past (and present) when my thought life is not under control-- leaping from to one worry to the next, until I'm immersed in darkness.
Rationalizing, reasoning, worry, and doubt.
Proverbs 3:5 instructs us to lean not on our own understanding.
Because we will never have it all figured out.
The whys and wonderings are physically and mentally tiring.
Certainly not the life of rest He intends (Matthew 11: 28-29).
So, why do I often choose to jump aboard the loops and drops of out of control thinking?
Often it has skyrocketed into such a habit that I give no thought about my crazy thought life.
Sometimes it's my fleshly desire for control that catapults me into the crazy mid-air flight.
Airborne in a freakish free fall of insanity, I ruminate situations and circumstances— trying to make sense of my world from above, looking down at every angle.
|This is me in 1995. Just kidding. I only skydive mentally. ;)|
At the core of my flesh is an ugly layer of mistrust and pride-- thinking my ways are best. My sinful desire to be my own God and in control of my circumstances and those of others.
It's not just a fleshly sin pattern.
Wrong thinking is also a very deceptive tool the enemy uses to send me to a trail of darkness— a twisting, turning path of wasting time mulling and reasoning.
Our minds are a battleground where the enemy wishes to stake claim. There are often patterns and valleys evil has ingrained in our minds since childhood.
Our minds can be the entry point for the evil one who desires to penetrate the full terrain of folds and crevices of gray matter.
I desperately need light to shine into these recesses daily— expose the lies.
Without the light of His word shining into these areas, a thick war-torn jungle of despair and insane thinking can rapidly grow and multiply. The enemy loves to encamp here, setting traps and means of torture.
If my mind is absent of His word, then my heart and spirit cannot fully experience the full life the Father desires.
Surrender is difficult for me.
Yet, as His spirit moves and I consciously remember His faithfulness, my hands release.
His hand ultimately descends to open mine.
Strength to open palms and let go.
Any surrender is because of His gracious pursuit of my heart.
Because of this grace, my mind can be transformed and renewed by an intervention of the Only One who is able— through intentional prayer and time in His word renewing my mind (Rom 12:2).
This is not a task of me trying harder or attempting to change myself.
Instead, it is a mysterious dance of Him guiding me to throw myself at the foot of the cross.
I don't fully understand.
The gospel of grace never makes sense.
I just know it's real and true and good.
His word timeless, reliable, and illuminating.
For He is greater than evil and I must be willing to delve deeply into the waters of truth and soak in it daily.
In the joys, the sorrows, and the things we can’t understand, may His light shine in and through us!