Saturday, August 16, 2014

All of Me

I often think I should have named this blog Running from the Father.

In my new heart, I don't want to run away, but I still do.  

He desperately longs to have all of me
With dust spiraling behind, I run fast--the barefoot runaway-- down pathways of temporary pleasures.  The insanity is God's heart towards me is still good.  His love still pursues this runaway girl.  He brings me back to where I want to be all along.

I've been overwhelmed with kindness of friends from my past-- the friends from the simple elementary days filled with memories of the smell of fresh school supplies and metal playground equipment; the awkward middle school years-- knobby knees, plaid skirts, polyester white knee socks, and saddle oxfords; and others have reached out from my wild girl high school and college days.  Coworkers from my past and old neighbors.  Truly a gift to have this love.  His love poured through people.

Just as encouraging, are the friends in my present spurring me on.  Some are new friends through the virtual world and then my dear friends who do life with me-- the foster mamas, homeschoolers, neighbors, church goers.

All have significantly pressed love and courage into this fearful girl as I've taken up this blog.

I am tremendously grateful for the notes of support. 

Because I want to quit almost every day-- just shut it down and give up writing publicly.

It's freeing, but also exposing.

I wonder what in the world I'm going to talk about next.

Because sometimes I have nothing to say.

But then I wake up.

A new day starts.

A day full of new mercies, struggles, joy, love, kindness, sin. 

Daily living.  Messiness. 

He shows up.  Just as that baby boy entered the mess of an animal stall-- radiating light, grace, and new life.  

He propels Himself slap dab in the middle of a fight at our kitchen table, in the car of a sibling battle, in the carpool line as I'm yelling at the kids...

He comes full of resurrection power.

And I think, how did I forget again?  I have a Redeemer, a Rescuer.

And so I write again.  More to process.

I've flash backed to my English professor's scrawled red writing in the corner of one of my college papers:  You should consider becoming a writer!

I was embarrassed, but also had a deep knowing in my soul that I'd discovered one of my passions.

Sometimes I wonder if I say too much on my blog.

But, really, if you only knew the things I don't tell-- if you knew all of me, it would be earth-shattering.

Think about it-- if we had a recording of the past few months of our thought life, the things we say, the outpouring of what's really in our hearts, we'd be shocked by each others' crap. 

The spaces within us that we want to stay hidden.  The places we may not fully consider or recognize.

Many times we don't want to see.

Denial is real and destructive-- a desolate trail full of potholes and darkness.  It blocks the pathway to a full life-- like a boulder in the path to more.  Vulnerability is freedom-- opening a new route that unfolds to azure skies, cotton fluffed clouds, and flower-specked rolling hills.  This is the way to being known and knowing others fully.  A way to beauty.

If you know Christ, then we're in the same camp.

You and me. 

Whether you believe it or not. 

We are needy.  Broken.

We all need someone bigger.

Being transformed by the length and width, height and depth of God's love (Eph 3:18), should leave us in absolute awe.

Most of my life I lived blind to this love and I want to shout it loud!

Not just for myself, but for all of you who need to be reminded as well.

If I don't write, I forget who I am.  WHOSE I am.

So, thank you for reaching out...loving me and propelling me on in my fight to believe truth.

In the battle to put my heart into words.

I am grateful.   

Because there is only One who knows us fully.  

Praise Him!

{photo credit:}


Shannon said...

"Sometimes I wonder if I say too much on my blog. But, really, if you only knew the things I don't tell-- if you knew all of me, it would be earth-shattering." Yes. I feel this exact same way. Keep writing, girl. The world needs your voice.

Kim Reaves said...

You are an excellent writer!