Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Rambling and Reclining

~m singleton
 One of them, the disciple whom Jesus loved, was reclining next to him...Leaning back against Jesus... (John 13:22,25)

At 41-years old, I am still discovering things about myself that I never knew.

I am a visual person.

I am a deep feeler.

I live inside my head and heart.

No wonder I struggle.

I process things slowly and often feel like the girl that doesn't get the joke, or the meanings of conversations.

Because I'm deeply entrenched in my own emotions and those of everyone else.

And I'm studying the fly on the ceiling, the temperature of the room, the crooked picture on the wall, and the annoying racket of the construction workers 2 miles away. 

And that smell.  What is that smell anyway?

Some people call this ADD.

I think that's pretty accurate.

My emotions are constantly present and I can quickly fly off the handle and injure the people I live with.  Or my feelings can be hurt easily if I'm not resting in the Father.

Oh how my family knows this well.

Ok, so that was the rambling part.  Now on to the reclining part.

One of the most transforming times of my life was while reading Abba's Child by Brennan Manning.

There is a chapter when Manning describes John's encounter with Jesus at the Last Supper.  It was a pivotal moment in John's life-- he feels so comfortable around Christ that he reclines back with his head against Jesus' chest.  Do you know what he heard?

  the heartbeat of Jesus

That vivid depiction stirred something deep within my own heart when I read it...revealing my own longing for that kind of intimacy with my Savior.

What would it feel like to rub shoulders with Him?  Experience the warmth of his body so near?  Touch Him?  Hear Him breathing?   Smell Him?   Sit so close to hear His heartbeat?

Oftentimes when my head hits my pillow at night, I think of lying my head on His chest.  Listening for his heartbeat.

Not because I'm overly-spiritual.

But because I'm overly needy.

Because this scatter-brained, ADD, emotional girl is crazy.

This morning, I had a mental image of a pumpkin.  Strange, I know. 

I mean, after I had the image of me reclining against the heartbeat of Jesus, a pumpkin popped into my head.

Because I am praying for Him to carve out the fleshy, stringy, stench of my flesh.

The seeds of bitterness and rottenness.

I want to be carved empty and filled whole with Him.

Keeping it real, yesterday I was cussed by one of my children on the beach in a fight.  

Surrounded by beauty of waves and sand and sin washed over us like the tide.

I also went to bed yelling and not speaking to my husband.

It didn't end there, thankfully.

There was beauty in repentance, consequences, forgiveness.

But I'm tired of my mouth, my heart, my actions.  The sins of the people I live with.

The stench of my words and rottenness of my heart is often suffocating.

I know I have a new heart.  I know I'm a new creation, but the flesh is so ugly.  

The truth of Romans 7 is in my face 24/7.

I daily push others aside for my own interests, shut down voices of people I dearly love-- so my own rights can be forced upon them.
This thing called grace.  Newness of life.  It really is undeserved.  Amazing.

Carve me empty Lord so you can pour in
Hands lifted, soul clings, tears stream
He holds, as my head rests on His chest
His heartbeat, His presence, my only hope

  Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!  (Rom 7:25)




Rebecca said...

Loved these open and honest heart ramblings! Such a beautiful image. Your words just draw me in - you are gifted!

Melanie Singleton said...

Aww thank you Rebecca! I just read your (in)courage Fairy Tale post. Love love love! Such rich truth. We are so loved!